A Parade of Dresses That I Can’t Wear.

I’ve been shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding for three weeks now.  I have purchased five (5) dresses and somehow still don’t have anything to wear.  (In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I have a perfectly appropriate dress in my closet, but I’ve worn it to three of the past four weddings I’ve been to and was all over the excuse to buy a new dress.)

It seems like it should be an easy thing, buying a dress.  My criteria were simple: I needed a dress that was appropriate for an afternoon-into-evening wedding, that was formal enough to go with a date in a tux but is still less formal than the bridesmaids dresses, and that was preferably not black.  First, I ordered this dress:

It fit and is adorable, but in person, its totally not formal enough to wear to a wedding when your date has on a tux.  Then, I ordered this dress:

Also beautiful, and formal enough, but it didn’t fit.  And that became the story of dress shopping.  Apparently there is not a single dress on the planet that fits me.  I’m short, so anything that isn’t just the right length hits at a strange place.  I’m pear shaped, which means that the sheath dresses like this–the third dress I bought–also won’t work.

(Side note: Why–WHY–can’t dress models just stand up straight?  There is no possible way to understand how a dress will look in any reasonable situation when the models are standing like that!)

I always thought that empire waist dresses were a safe bet, but it turns out those are dodgy as well.   On top of everything else, I’m short waisted.  That, as I have learned, means that the top of the dress hits at an odd and unflattering place, which is a shame because I really, really loved this dress:

I have one last dress on order, and if it doesn’t work, I quit.  I don’t care anymore about having a new dress, and have become way too aware of everything I don’t like about my figure.  Its entirely possible that the reason I took up knitting is because its the only way I can have clothes that actually fit.

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